June shoutouts
Proud.
This Pride Month has been a wonderful June filled with friend-hangs and comforting at-home experiences away from the climbing summer heat. I hope the season is off to a great start for all of you.
Here are some of the things I enjoyed this month! Reminder that you can SUBSCRIBE TO MY NEWSLETTER down below to get my monthly shoutouts in full before they appear here.
In perfect time for Pride Month, I received an advanced reader copy of Chuck Tingle’s new Hollywood slasher, which follows a semi-closeted TV writer whose career troubles are compounded when his own terrifying creations take on a life of their own. Fun, funny and inventive, this is a great vacation read.
“Bury Your Gays” by Chuck Tingle is now out from Tor Nightfire. My review: REVIEW: Hollywood horror comes to life in Chuck Tingle’s ‘Bury Your Gays’
Paul Schrader is among my favorite directors but I had never seen his 1979 noir thriller “Hardcore” until this month. The film follows a devout religious man from Michigan as he’s thrust into the underworld of the adult film industry in 1970s Los Angeles. The search for his runaway daughter will test his boundaries of right and wrong and force him to face his own hangups around sexuality. “Hardcore” is gorgeously crafted and wonderfully written and deserves to be listed among Schrader’s best.
“Hardcore” is available to stream on The Criterion Channel and can be rented or purchased across most platforms.
Based off the quality of the first three tracks released from dance-pop auteur Charli XCX’s latest album, “brat,” I was more excited for this album than I’ve been for any release in a long while. And Charli did not disappoint. It’s been a joy experiencing this album with friends and seeing endless numbers of reactions online. Here are a few of my favorite reactions: “I AM LOSING MY MIND!!” and “THE BRAT LISTENING PARTY.”
Standouts (aside from tracks I’ve mentioned in previous newsletters) are the Sleigh Bells-esque “Sympathy is a knife” and “365.” The latter of these is maybe my favorite song released this year by anyone (so far).
Since the majority of our Bravo reality shows are either off season or indefinitely on break, my husband and I have been perusing the network’s back catalogue. Recently, we watched the early 2000s one-season curio “NYC Prep.” Turns out it was the perfect Pride Month viewing because the entire show is a sinister, closeted teen terrorizing a group of underclassmen and all of them trying to keep from calling him the F-word. The Pope would have done it!
“NYC Prep” is currently available to stream on Peacock. It can also be purchased or rented across most other streaming platforms.
It’s really confusing but though “Ghosts: VI: Locusts” is the “fifth” installment of Nine Inch Nails’ “Ghosts” series, it’s only the third actual release. While I still need to listen to “Ghosts I-IV” and its follow-up, “Ghosts V,” I organically kind of came across one “Locusts” track and got drawn in — deciding to take it as a sign to finally begin my long-coming dive into the NIN discography. For fans of Trent Reznor’s film score work with Atticus Ross, “Locusts” doesn’t disappoint. Delivering upon the moody, drone-y atmosphere of Reznor-helmed scores for films like “Gone Girl” and “The Social Network,” “Locusts” is reminiscent of a film score because it was one. At least some portions of the score were rejected work for 2021’s “The Woman in the Window” adaptation, and these thoughtful-but-eerie tracks give a great glimpse of how different (better) that movie might have been with this music in-tact. Standouts include “The Cursed Clock,” “The Worriment Waltz” and “Your New Normal.”
Tom Crewe’s “The New Life” fictionalizes two real-life academic pioneers in Britain’s Victorian Era as they work to change attitudes and laws against homosexuality. This finely researched and delightful novel was a moving and educational experience to have through this month, remembering the LGBTQ+ people and allies who came before me and paid big prices. This is a very old-fashioned toned novel — which was challenged at first — but I’m glad I stuck with it before barreling through.
ODDS & ENDS
ARTICLES —In “Are Young Men Really Becoming More Sexist?”, The Atlantic writer Jerusalem Demsas talks to Dr. Alice Evans, a Stanford University researcher on gender relations across societies. Here, Evans explains the various ways young men are becoming more (or less) supportive of women’s rights and advancement in different countries. Evans also lays out the reasons why many of today’s high school and college-aged men are trending more traditional in terms of male-female societal dynamics than even their grandfathers.
VIDEO — One thing I love thinking about is different U.S. cities — as there are still so many I want to visit! — and learning their “vibes,” in addition to their livability and affordability. YouTuber CityNerd creates detailed videos exploring the particulars of America’s big and small cities in depth. Interesting topics covered include “Ten Cities that Do Sports Venues the Best (and Some Terrible Ones)” and “‘Reverse Commuting: Cities Where People Travel the ‘Wrong Way’ to Work (and Why).”
Next, the New York Times’ Popcast explores the surprise smash hit “Nasty,” by R&B artist Tinashe. Now a decade into her career (of which I’m a HUGE fan of), the triple-threat artist behind personal favorites like “Bouncin” and “Needs” is finally getting the wide acclaim she has deserved for so long.
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“Joker” — Porches (This first peek at the forthcoming album “Shirt” from synth-pop musician Aaron Maine, a.k.a. Porches conjures the artist’s familiar dreamy bedroom vibe but with an unexpected, vaguely folk influence)
“Disco Boots — Gavin Turek (I intended to include this song in May’s newsletter and forgot — but I’m still loving this very disco, very funky bop by Los Angeles R&B/dance artist Gavin Turek. I very much need to be on dancefloor somewhere this summer with this song cranking)
“Starburster” — Fontaines D.C. (The first single from the Irish post-punk band led by Grian Chatten (whose solo album I also loved last year!) is described in a YouTube comment on the video as an “absolute anthem for the alienated and asthmatic.” You’ll have to listen to it to understand)
“XTC” — urika’s bedroom (This acoustic-driven melancholy dream-pop tune reminds me of things that I can’t exactly put my finger on, though I’ll venture to guess it’s the guitar-y emotionality of the 2010s indie band Fences. I’m not very angsty anymore but me in my early 20s would have driven and thought about life to this)
“Busy Girl” — Tove Lo & SG Lewis (My favorite track from the dance artists’ fantastic joint EP “HEAT” continues the Brat summer aesthetic, delivering a bouncy electro-disco club hit that is begging for a sweaty summer night of dancing. Tove Lo may be a busy girl but she’s never too busy to give us exactly what we want!)
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April shoutouts
Hey, May.
It looks like 2024 is picking up. April saw some unexpected health difficulties (I’m better now) followed by a whirlwind European honeymoon that was everything we hoped it would be. Looking forward to the upcoming warmer months — with a patio and an Aperol Spritz in hand, ideally.
Here are some of the things I enjoyed last month.
Luca Guadagnino’s romantic sports drama “Challengers” was among this year’s most-anticipated releases in my household. And I’m happy to report the film, starring Zendaya, Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist, did not disappoint. An extra-special bonus was the film’s pulsing club-ready score by Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross.
“Challengers” is currently in theaters.
In anticipation of the first leg of our honeymoon, I checked out the audiobook of “Pancakes in Paris: Living the American Dream in France,” which chronicles comedian Craig Carlson’s harebrained idea to open up an American diner in the City of Lights. What followed was a charming tale about second-chance dreams and how believing in yourself inspires other people to believe in you, too.
Naturally, we stopped into Breakfast in America while in Paris and enjoyed the small piece of home. The burger was exactly what I wanted after a long day of walking the city — high recommend if you’re in Paris!
I included several tracks from Vampire Weekend’s fifth album, “Only God Was Above Us” in a previous newsletter and I’ve been enjoying the full album since its April 5 release.
Standouts include “Prep School Gangsters” (the most Vampire Weekend song title I can think of), “The Surfer” and album closer “Hope.”
I didn’t finish Katrina Carrasco’s “Rough Trade” soon enough to write a proper review of it, though I had originally planned to. It’s unfortunate because I actually really loved this, the second in a series about a transmasculine opium smuggler who gets caught up in a series of murders in the Pacific Northwest. This 1888-set thriller is the second in a series but I actually have not read the first one (yet) and still understood everything pretty well. “Rough Trade” is fun and surprising and also very well-researched about queer communities in former ages.
I have to be honest: “Deal or Not Deal Island” is very, very dumb. I love it. NBC essentially said, “We want to have our own version of ‘Survivor’ but we don’t own ‘Survivor”…. what brand do we own? Oh, yeah. What about ‘Deal or No Deal’ but on an island?”
“Deal or No Deal Island” is available to stream on Peacock.
Author Conner Habib has a colorful career: writer, academic, podcaster and former adult entertainer. In many ways, Habib’s debut novel, the glorious “Hawk Mountain” pours flavors of all of the author’s life buckets into a cohesive story. “Hawk Mountain” is a claustrophobic dramatic thriller which follows single father Todd as he’s unexpectedly reunited with Jack, his high school bully, decades after their last interaction. But something is amiss: Jack remembers being friends with Todd and is happy to see him.
“Hawk Mountain” took several turns that surprised me and as shockingly inevitable as the ending seemed, as a reader, you will feel powerless to stop it. Big Patricia Highsmith vibes on this one.
I dove into Scorsese’s beloved but less-popular third film, “Mean Streets” (1973) this month and despite watching it a) on an iPad on a plane and b) while slamming face-first into jet lag, I loved every second. The film’s opening — set to the Ronettes’ “Be My Baby” — is among my favorites I can remember in recent memory.
“Mean Streets” definitely has a lo-fi, master-in-progress feel to it and I get why it might not stand out too much among Scorsese’s several masterpieces (the movie’s low key plot and circular character arcs give it a “So what?” kind of feeling but that’s also part of its charm). Nevertheless, I adored this slice of (low)life and will be revisiting it for years to come.
“Mean Streets” can be streamed for free on Tubi and purchased or rented across all major streaming platforms.
ODDS & ENDS
ARTICLES — In “Taylor Swift Has Given Fans a Lot. Is It Finally Too Much?,” New York Times writers Matt Stevens and Shivani Gonzalez take a look at the pop juggernaut’s current place in pop culture. The recent release of the divisive “The Tortured Poets Department,” appears to have broken the floodgates for some who were already experiencing Swift fatigue. It can sometimes be difficult to fairly explain when or why Swift disappoints but Stevens and Gonzalez do a fair job.
In other T. Swift reading I did this month, this fun Vulture article does a deep dive into the r/SwiftlyNeutral subreddit, where former unendingly devoted Swifties go to critically debate Swift issues — without the threat of harassment from other Swifties.
VIDEO — “Overanalyzing that one moment in ‘Daria,’” lays out one of among millions of reasons MTV’s “Daria” is so great. Creator Ky the Kunoichi focuses on the character Jodie and why, though she’s one of the show’s few Black characters, the writers/animators’ portrayal of her is so widely celebrated. If you have never seen “Daria” or are due for a rewatch, all seasons of “Daria” can be streamed on Paramount+.
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“He Walks By Night” — John Carpenter, Cody Carpenter & Daniel Davies (After the slightly disappointing third installment in his “Lost Themes” musical project, horror master John Carpenter and Co. are back with some great new tracks that sound like forgotten film scores. “He Walks By Night” could perfectly soundtrack just about any obscure faux 1980s horror movie you could dream up. Lead single “My Name is Death” is also very fun and wouldn’t be out of place in a sequel to Carpenter’s own “Escape from New York.”)
“Club classics” — Charli XCX (Released ahead of her forthcoming album “Brat,” Charli XCX’s “Club classics” is noisy, catchy and genius. Part 90s rave, part lost Justice song, part “Music Sounds Better With You” — it’s a song I’m going to have on constant repeat through the summer. I’m also loving the other tracks released from “Brat” so far, including the sleazy “von dutch” and Ace of Base-goes-dark “B2b.”)
“Cowboys Are Frequently Secretly Fond of Each Other” — Orville Peck & Willie Nelson (Gay cowboy anthem. Willie Nelson crooning “A cowboy might brag about things that he’s done with his women/But the ones who brag loudest are the ones that’re most likely queer…” is a delight.)
“Hell is Near” — St. Vincent (St. Vincent doing a James Bond theme — particularly this one — turns into a 1970s R&B/rock groove. I’m slowly making my way through the artist’s seventh album and this was an immediate standout for me. Coming off the heels of the polarizing “Daddy’s Home,” I’m interested to dig deeper into her much more warmly received new tracks.)
“Risk” — Gracie Abrams (This one is a little bit of a cheat as it technically came out May 1 — but let’s pretend this April newsletter isn’t late enough to include something from May. I don’t know much about Gracie Abrams, aside from her being a notable nepo baby, but the early peek of her incredibly 2000s-aesthetic upcoming album “The Secret of Us,” and it’s lead single have caught my attention. “Risk” sounds like a cross between Michelle Branch and The Veronicas. It would sound perfect in the background of an episode of “Gilmore Girls” and I mean that as a compliment. )
March shoutouts
Spring is springing.
It’s finally warming up, seasonal allergies are arriving and I’m starting to feel an itch for summer. I’m looking forward to April and I hope it’s a great month for you.
Here are some of the things I enjoyed last month.
The lengths people go to to belong is the idea at the center of Apple TV+’s latest comedy, “Palm Royale,” which premiered on the platform this month. As social climber Maxine Simmons, Kristin Wiig leads a large cast of star talent in this 10-episode period piece created by Abe Sylvia, writer of 2021’s “The Eyes of Tammy Faye.”
While there’s something to love in every episode, the true marvel is Kristen Wiig, who you’ll fall in love with all over again.
“Palm Royale” is available to stream on Apple TV+. My full review .
While watching director François Ozon’s 2020 French-language romantic drama “Summer of 85,” it’s impossible to not be reminded of 2017’s “Call Me By Your Name,” but this story actually predates both that book and its wonderful movie adaptation. One summer day, on the waters of a Normandy beach, 16 year-old Alexis encounters 18 year-old David, whom he soon becomes enamored with. What follows is a beautifully soundtracked French countryside fantasy but there’s more happening, too. Viewers learn in the first few minutes of the film that David has died sometime in the future — and Alexis is on trial in relation to it. I won’t say too much more for fear of spoiling but “Summer of 85” is one of the most moving and realistic portraits of first loves and first real friendships I’ve seen in a while. I’ll be revisiting this for years to come.
“Summer of 85” is available to stream on MUBI.
I almost included Real Estate’s sixth studio album, “Daniel” in my February newsletter but I needed more time with it. Like much of the indie rock band’s work, songs can blend together if you’re not listening intentionally.
This was wise because I ended up falling upside down in love with it. Every time I think I have a favorite track, it changes. A running theme in this newsletter is the way musical acts I loved in college either fade away or keep on — and whether or not I’m still listening. Real Estate appeared poised to fade out for me, as their 2011 sophomore effort was the last time I sat down to listen to one of their albums. But “Daniel” has me wondering whether I need to go back to see how they got here: effortlessly sounding like they did back in 2009 but better, fuller, wiser. Standouts include “Airdrop,” “Market Street” and anthemic album closer “You Are Here.”
This YouTube channel, Turning the Tables, offers a wholesome enough premise: grown son Connor introduces his dad, musician Kevin, to his favorite music. Connor and Kevin’s taste in music is impeccable and I’ve learned so much more about music and the albums I love. But my absolute favorite element of this setup is how much it reminds me of the relationship I have with my own father. Music is something he and I talk about and bond over and it’s nice seeing that reflected in another father-son relationship. A few of my favorite reactions include their videos on Lana Del Rey’s “Did you know that there’s a tunnel under Ocean Blvd,” and Beyoncé’s “Lemonade.”
As mentioned in a previous newsletter, I spent the past few months slowly getting through Frank Herbert’s “Dune,” in anticipation of the release of Denis Villeneuve’s (great) “Dune: Part Two.” I can’t say I loved every moment of the experience (or that I intend to ever read it again) but I’m glad to have read it. It’s an odd book to be considered a classic and I admire that about it. Imagine if “The Lord of the Rings” ended with Frodo as a villain?
Also, it will never not be funny for people in the distant future to be named “Jessica” and “Paul.”
I had a moment with Neil Young’s fourth album, “Harvest” back in 2016-17 and have been meaning to listen to more. Late last year, I stumbled upon the closing track of the artist’s second album, “Everybody Knows This is Nowhere” — the psych-rock-western “Cowgirl in the Sand” — added it to a playlist and kind of forgot about it. It came up in shuffle a few weeks ago and I decided to listen to the whole thing. I’m still feeling it out but adoring the intricate production and rich longing of Young’s voice. Standouts are the previously mentioned “Cowgirl,” in addition to “Down by the River” and “Running Dry (Requiem for the Rockets).”
ODDS & ENDS
ARTICLES — In “The Friends Who Got Away,” New York Times opinion writer Frank Bruni wonders about the friendships in his life that slipped into the past not because of any conflict but just because of circumstances, distance and time. Of one friend he’s lost touch with, Bruni writes: “We’re onetime confidants who never had a falling out, never said a proper goodbye, simply evaporated from each other’s lives like dew from a blade of grass.”
Do hipsters still exist? Late last year, Vice tried to identify ways to spot them in the wild these days.
VIDEO — “BookTok, Brainrot, and Why It’s OK to be a hater,” lays out why much of book content online is about having books, not about actually reading them. I don’t fully jibe with some of the creator’s points but really appreciate her view that the popular argument of “letting people enjoy things” is just an excuse people use to protect things they like from legitimate critique. In this video, the creator breaks down how popular music producers use vocal sampling in ways that make you hear what they want you to hear. Creator Navie D explains The McGurk Effect, which did in fact, fool me.
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I couldn’t be any happier that 1990s/Y2K house-style music is having a moment. This catchy euro-dance throwback features Aussie indie electronic group Confidence Man — whose female vocalist, Janet Planet, is serving Spice Girl possessed by Dua Lipa in the song’s kitschy music video.
Palladino’s self-titled debut album comes out this Friday and if “I Can’t Dream Anymore” — in addition to the two other tracks she’s released from the project — is any indication, listeners are in for something like if Wilson Phillips had released synth albums in the 1980s. “I Can’t Dream Anymore” is all glam and drama. It sounds like if a “GTA: Vice City” character were having a crying session inside a moving Ferrari.
A throwback selection I recently re-discovered. This no. 4 hit from 2003 deserved a no. 1 — the chorus is perfection, the back-and-forth between the male and female vocalists is perfection, and its behind-the-scenes story of why there are two versions of this song is such a time capsule of 2003 hip-hop/R&B names: Irv Gotti, Ashanti, etc. For the record, the Tamia version is superior. Sorry, Ashanti!
Back in 2022, I slowly started listening to Tori Amos’ catalogue for the first time. Having only completed her first two albums, I confidently say this woman is a musical genius. Earlier this week, I sat down to listen to her polarizing third album, “Boys for Pele,” for the first time.
“Beauty Queen/Horses” is the opening track and it’s as far as I got on my first listen because I loved it so much I just ended up listening to it on a loop. This odd 6-minute song is split into two parts, the foreboding and spooky folk-western ballad “Beauty Queen” is abruptly cut short and the haunting, wintry “Horses” begins. I can’t explain it but this song sounds nothing like a metal song and yet, as I was listening I couldn’t stop thinking that it reminded me of a metal song. It might be the lyrics, which border on absurdist fantasy — “You showed me the meadow/And Milkwood/And Silkwood/And you would if I would/But you never would/So I chased down your posies/Your pansies in my hosies…” or it might be her ever-ethereal voice and nature-witch aesthetics that are conjuring images of electric guitars. After doing a little research, I found that Amos actually does have a metal following. While watching a dozen or so live performances of the song, I stumbled upon a few — particularly male — metal fans in the comments raving about how much they love her. I may dig deeper into this quiet fandom I had no idea existed.
February shoutouts
The flop months.
My recent birthday was a welcome highlight to a stretch of months that are kind of uneventful for most of us, I think. The comedown from the holidays is sometimes sad but I’m working to fill these months with lots of things I love. An impending wedding anniversary and our delayed honeymoon are things I’m very much looking forward to and I hope your March is filled with cool moments.
Below find an abbreviated version of my monthly newsletter, which you can subscribe to at the “Newsletter” button down below.
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It’s been a long time since I was so taken with a movie that I had to rewatch it almost immediately. I didn’t know what to expect from the black comedy-thriller “Rotting in the Sun,” and that’s a feeling that continued throughout the entire film. I won’t reveal what happens about 30 minutes into the movie but my jaw dropped — and the rest of the movie does a “Parasite”-esque switch up in genre as the film suddenly becomes something else completely. Chilean director Sebastián Silva also stars as himself in the film, as does a comedian-influencer Jordan Firstman — both in heightened versions of themselves that are anything but vain. Late last year, Emerald Fennell’s “Saltburn” shocked many a viewer but “Rotting in the Sun” makes that movie seem like Pixar stuff. The film features brief moments of non-simulated sex and just generally everyone being their worst selves — exercise caution. Otherwise, enjoy one of the funniest and most surprising films of 2023.
“Rotting in the Sun” is available to stream with a MUBI subscription and available to rent or buy on Apple TV+ and VUDU.
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Nothing about Sloane Crosley's latest release — a memoir about her experience being robbed, then losing her best friend, and then going through a global pandemic along with the rest of the world — should be as fun as it is. Nevertheless, the acclaimed prose stylist behind 2022's "Cult Classic" is back with another sharply observed peek into her world — and how it all fell apart one day.
“Grief is for People” is available everywhere now.
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Whenever I tell people that unironically MGMT is one of my favorite bands, they inevitably think I’m a huge fan of their iconic very mainstream first string of late aughts singles, “Electric Feel,” “Kids” and “Time to Pretend.” Those songs are absolutely magical and probably among some of the “classics” of my specific age group (old-but-not-the-oldest-millennials) but it’s far from their best work. It’s their work since then that made me such a fan — and their fifth album, “Loss of Life” is no different. Operating like something akin to a sister album to their 2010 masterpiece “Congratulations,” their most recent outing delivers on that album’s Pink Floyd-esque garage rock/neo-psych prog pop (I don’t know how much more specific I can be) but amps up the soundscape with influences of everything from Jimmy Buffett, Wilson Phillips, Guns N’ Roses and Steely Dan. Now into their 40s, this band that came with me through college, into young adulthood and now adult-adulthood, feels like a weird warm jacket. I still need more time to digest this one but immediate standouts are the Todd Rundgren-conjuring “People in the Streets,” the glam-rock romp “Bubblegum Dog” and the reflective power ballad “Nothing Changes.”
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Listening to a true crime podcast is very 2015 of me and you know, that’s OK. What is different these days is that I’m aiming for conscious consumption of these kinds of stories. “Three” is created in partnership with the family of Skylar Neese, a 16 year-old who disappeared in West Virginia in 2012, to illustrate how both they and Skylar were failed by law enforcement and why they’re working to affect change. It’s a story about friendship dynamics, about secrets and about three girls who went into the woods one late night.
The first four episodes of “Three” are currently available to stream wherever you listen to podcasts.
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No one told me in 2020 that “The Hills”/“The City” star Whitney Port rewatched the entirety of those two shows, in addition to the show that spawned them, “Laguna Beach.” I was late but I’m here now. Whitney was always my favorite — the bookish, nice one with perfect skin —and getting reacquainted with her (and meeting her charming husband Adam) through her “Reacting to ‘The Hills’” YouTube series has been a delight. Her skin is still perfect and her insight into these unique quasi-reality shows makes for a relaxing and fun way to take a throwback stroll through Los Angeles in 2006.
All of Whitney and Adam’s rewatches are available for free on her YouTube page.
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I’ve been meaning to watch this acclaimed 1984 drama by Wim Wenders for years. Though I have Wenders’ latest, “Perfect Days,” in my to-watch queue, I decided to check out his most popular movie first. This very slow, very quiet film uses surreality and silence to tell this fairly simple story of family reunion and the search for self — but it’s also very fun. The film’s ending at first felt out of place for me but then it made perfect sense and I sat thinking about it for a while.
“Paris, Texas” is available to stream with Max or the Criterion Channel subscriptions. It can also be rented or purchased through most digital video platforms.
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“Gen-X Cops” — Vampire Weekend (Another old favorite band (sensing a trend in this newsletter) returns with two new tracks showing that these college rock-indie pop idols still have it. “Gen-X Cops” is a stuttering guitar-led groove that has an effusive energy sorely missing in lots of popular music lately. Their other new song from the forthcoming “Only God Was Above Us,” is the summery “Capricorn,” which wouldn’t have been out of place on the band’s first album back in 2008)
"Fashion Icon" — Aaliyah’s Interlude (This artist’s debut single “IT Girl” was a previous newsletter inclusion, so I was excited to hear she’d released a new song. Upon pressing play I thought, “This is awful” and then 20 seconds later thought, “This is great.”)
‘Twin Peaks: The Return’ and accepting things suck
In the summer of 2017, during one of the deepest depressive states of my entire life, I began the massive test of patience of diving into David Lynch’s labyrinthine classic TV series, “Twin Peaks.”
There, I found — as has frequently been the case — comfort in the unyielding unpredictability of Laura Palmer’s phantasmagorical life and death and after-death. Over that summer, I found a sense of normalcy in returning home from work and losing myself as Julee Cruise’s “Falling” began playing over the opening credits.
“What the deal with all the horror movies?” someone asked me around that time.
Scary movies have been a frequent companion through most of my teenage years and young adulthood. Whenever life has become too much, it’s been a frequent source of comfort to see how much worse things could be — all from the safety of my own bed.
It’s no mistake that during the pandemic I’ve found myself re-entering Twin Peaks, Washington, after years of putting off the follow-up limited series “Twin Peaks: The Return.” Once again, David Lynch managed to suck me back into a dark forest and spit me out of a light socket (this analogy makes more sense if you’ve watched the show).
The new series is more hellish and unmerciful than the original. Here, evil isn’t merely bubbling beneath the surface of a quaint All-American town. In Twin Peaks (and Las Vegas) in 2017, evil is free — and it’s been thriving.
All eighteen episodes of “TP: The Return” lead ultimately to a slight (and slightly more hopeful) erasure of the series’ main catalyst, the brutal murder of Laura Palmer. The series’ seventeenth episode wraps with its Big Bad BOB defeated and Laura Palmer escorted away from her own murder.
But there’s still one more episode.
In some of the final episodes, we hear of something or someone called “Judy,” which, as it turns out is yet another beacon of evil in the universe. Judy’s still out there. What’s more — Judy has her own version of Laura Palmer. In this universe/timeline, Laura is alive — not well, but alive — and unaware of who she is.
Until the very last few seconds of the series, when Laura, now called “Carrie Page,” realizes either who she is or who she was and/or what happened to her. Or maybe even something worse yet to come.
Laura/Carrie delivers a blood-chilling scream as the screen turns to black.
The End.
The darkness was defeated. But there’s still more darkness.
This ending is polarizing, as you may know. As a mostly casual fan of “Twin Peaks,” I found it satisfying. As me, myself, I also found it satisfying in this exact moment. I found comfort in there being no comfort. In a story about bad things just happening. There’s no happy ending slapped on top. There will be happiness, there will be beauty, but for now, things just suck.
And that’s okay.
Acceptance is something I’m working on both on my own and with my therapist. I’m learning, or trying to learn, to appreciate things for how they are, instead of how I think they should be. “Sometimes things just suck” is a lesson I’ve learned in therapy. I’ve been loathe to accept feeling bad for fear of making things worse, of feeling worse. One thing I’ve learned in therapy is how much not allowing myself to admit things suck makes the suckiness persist.
“If I acknowledge it, it’s a thing,” I’ve told my therapist.
“It’s a thing no matter what. The emotion is there, the thought is there. If you don’t touch it, it just sits,” he’s said.
This week, “TP: The Return” reminded me that I don’t need to find lessons in bad times. They can be there, sure. But taking a note from so many of the horror movies I love, I can, for now, release a breath and be glad I made it another day — even if the darkness is still out there.
Something to Look Forward To
When the COVID-19 pandemic first hit, I remember thinking it was only the initial shock of having the small moments of my life yanked away — the trips to Starbucks, thrift shopping on a quiet afternoon — that was causing me to feel adrift.
The grief of not having said goodbye to things I didn’t know were leaving.
“Once I get used to it, it won’t be so bad. It’ll be easier,” I thought.
As days passed and grew into weeks, and then those weeks stacked into months, the shock has worn off. I wasn’t wrong about that, only wrong in thinking it would get easier.
It hasn’t.
It’s gotten harder the longer I’m separated from the places, the people, the activities that I have built my life out of.
Two weeks ago, I joked to my therapist that had I known “all this” was going to happen, I might have nurtured other hobbies besides going to the movies, eating in restaurants and dancing at clubs.
“I don’t know what I’m looking forward to anymore,” I said.
His dog started licking its butt behind his chair and I started laughing.
After I explained, we laughed.
I hadn’t expected to see my therapist’s dog doing that on that day and in many ways, the moment ended up being the takeaway of the session: find things to be surprised by. Find new things. Find new ways to help me feel like myself.
Over the past two weeks, I’ve tried figuring out what that looks like and have come to realize that working on my novel helps me feel like me. So does re-watching Dawson’s Creek for the millionth time, reading comics, padding out my vinyl collection, and picking out new wines to try.
So far, nothing has replaced the things I’ve lost — a loss I know is temporary — but I’m working to look forward to what I can look forward to right now.
I can’t dance at the club, but I can crank the volume on the TV, slide across the carpet and imagine how it feels one day when I can.