Something to Look Forward To

When the COVID-19 pandemic first hit, I remember thinking it was only the initial shock of having the small moments of my life yanked away — the trips to Starbucks, thrift shopping on a quiet afternoon — that was causing me to feel adrift.

The grief of not having said goodbye to things I didn’t know were leaving.

“Once I get used to it, it won’t be so bad. It’ll be easier,” I thought.

As days passed and grew into weeks, and then those weeks stacked into months, the shock has worn off. I wasn’t wrong about that, only wrong in thinking it would get easier.

It hasn’t.

It’s gotten harder the longer I’m separated from the places, the people, the activities that I have built my life out of.

Two weeks ago, I joked to my therapist that had I known “all this” was going to happen, I might have nurtured other hobbies besides going to the movies, eating in restaurants and dancing at clubs.

“I don’t know what I’m looking forward to anymore,” I said.

His dog started licking its butt behind his chair and I started laughing.

After I explained, we laughed.

I hadn’t expected to see my therapist’s dog doing that on that day and in many ways, the moment ended up being the takeaway of the session: find things to be surprised by. Find new things. Find new ways to help me feel like myself.

Over the past two weeks, I’ve tried figuring out what that looks like and have come to realize that working on my novel helps me feel like me. So does re-watching Dawson’s Creek for the millionth time, reading comics, padding out my vinyl collection, and picking out new wines to try.

So far, nothing has replaced the things I’ve lost — a loss I know is temporary — but I’m working to look forward to what I can look forward to right now.

I can’t dance at the club, but I can crank the volume on the TV, slide across the carpet and imagine how it feels one day when I can.